My Coach's Notes

– Written by Colle Davis, CEO, Executive Mentoring and Coaching, Inc.

Several days ago two separate incidents occurred that reinforced the reason why you need to be very careful with whom you share information in any aspect of your life. Both of the people involved had created a situation in which they were doing their best to be nice and share information – in one case a landlord and in the other case a tenant. These situations interestingly show the two sides of the same coin. As Spinoza said, “No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.”

2 Quick thumbnails:

The first, a young person called me and ask how to telling her soon-to-be landlord that she had just been laid off, or SHOULD SHE TELL, and that she may not be able to afford the apartment after only being in the apartment for only three or four months. She wanted to tell him the ‘truth’ and keep him abreast of her situation. She said that he may not let her move into the apartment if she did tell him, and where she is living now has be vacated in a couple of days. She was worried that an eviction notice in six months would go on her PERMANENT RECORD. What to do?

The second, a dear friend of mine has a house in foreclosure and he may have to vacate on a very short notice. He has two tenants living there to offset expenses who pay him rent each month for their room and access to the rest of the house. He has been very open with them and told them that, as of the beginning of this month, they may or may not have to move out because of the situation. One of them stopped paying him the rent and refused to pay or move out saying that he didn’t own the house so she didn’t have to pay him.

Strategy:

The most effective way to address both situations: STOP TALKING. Don’t tell anyone anything that is not public information. NEVER tell anyone any information that you would not share with a reporter, your mother, a police officer and your worst enemy in public at the same time. The information you have IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. The information is your personal information. Think of it as your Intellectual Property, to be protected at all costs so it is not stolen and used against you. 

When interacting with someone, restrict the information you give them to the absolute minimum. Spend the time you are there with them, listening to them at least 80% of the time. This way you will tend to give them only ‘public information’. Your situation, whatever it is, is not for public consumption. You are not required to give any information to anyone.

NOTE: Keep your personal information off the Internet. This is not about my beliefs or dogma of some kind, this behavior is to protect you and what you have accumulated. Making our information public is incredibly dangerous to you, your family and your company.

Information is valuable and your information may be your most valuable asset. Guard yours very carefully. Learn to give it out very sparingly, in small doses to the right people (those who have demonstrated over time that you can trust them) to enhance your position. Never give it away for free. Every interaction is an exchange of information. So to strangers, co-workers and enemies, give out only public information and as little of that as possible.

In a seminar I attended years ago, the presenter, David Cooper (one of the greatest sales trainers in the world) gave me a strategy that is the most elegant format for human interaction that I have ever heard. His mantra, “Smile, nod and ask questions.”

Now simply, do it. The interaction with another person is NEVER about you anyway, unless you make it about you. Let the conversation be about the other person, that’s who they want to talk about anyway. Use the time to gather information that you can use. If you make the conversation about you, then you will be giving away far too much information and losing your advantage. Mysterious is powerful.

Stay warm.  -  Coach Colle
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DESIRE
Where the want-to is high enough, the how-to comes easy.
– Don McNamara, President Heritage Associates, Inc.
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TOPICS OF DISCUSSION
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
– Eleanor Roosevelt

– Written by Colle Davis, CEO, Executive Mentoring and Coaching, Inc.

Picture this scenario: you’re driving down the freeway and suddenly, it occurs to you that you must have missed your exit. You ask yourself, “How’s that possible? I really was paying attention, and I’ve been on this road before, so how could I have missed my exit?” At this point, you become very uncomfortable, and you may even start to perspire and experience rapid heartbeat. You may resort to cursing aloud, or yelling at yourself for not being sure of where you are. Sound familiar?

I use the phrase ‘next exit syndrome’ to describe this feeling of confusion and anticipation that results from this type of situation. Sometimes, the feeling of disorientation is so strong that you even plan to get off at the next exit and go back to see where you went wrong. I have even been tempted to pull over and look at a map. Phyllis immediately plans to stop at a gas station and ask directions.

The ‘next exit syndrome’ produces a moment or two of fear, panic, frustration, anger, maybe even rage at . . . whom? Usually this rage is directed at yourself as you mutter, “How could I be so. . . .(fill in the blank)?” After you get over the initial shock of thinking you’ve missed your exit, a very strange thing occurs. As the next exit appears, you realize that it’s the one you wanted to exit at in the first place! “Magic,” you say? No, it was a premonition that you didn’t recognize when it first occurred to you. This means that you have the power to look into the future and recognize that an opportunity is poised to present itself to you even when you’re distracted. Actually this seeing the future happens more often when you are distracted.

What can you do with this incredible power that you have just discovered? You can now make your dreams come true at lightning speed because now, you are going to see the signs of success ahead of time, and be prepared to take that ramp to your next level or next opportunity. Yes, you will have to do a bit of planning to prepare yourself for that ‘opportunity ramp’ when it comes into view. Remaining expectant and being prepared are the keys to your future. And remember, it’s okay to be confused and distracted occasionally. It’s a signal your mind is giving you saying, “HEY, wake up! Here is the next turn in our life.”                

What do you have to do to clean up, or change, or learn in order to let success overwhelm you, and become your way of life? What is it that can set you on the path that you need to follow with a big grin on your face every day? Here’s a secret, you already have all the knowledge you will ever need to succeed. I have been coaching for almost thirty years and with a couple of rare exceptions, all of my clients have had all the knowledge they needed for success before I ever met them. What they needed was the belief in themselves, a super cheerleader, and someone who would hold them accountable for their actions. Having a coach is one way to accomplish all of these requirements, but it’s not an absolute necessity if you are willing to listen to yourself more closely.

How does it feel to find out that you have the ability to sense the future? How does it feel to know that you can control the rate of your success, and that you can design the life you want? This awareness is almost as spooky as the ‘next exit syndrome’ when you first discover you have this kind of power. Your assignment for the week is to notice any time you have the feeling that you missed something important and initially can’t figure out what it was. Then become hyper-aware of what comes to your attention because opportunity is knocking on the door of your future. Your job is to answer the knock.
– Coach Colle
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THOUGHT

The mind has exactly the same power as the hands;
not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.
– Colin Wilson
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SELF-ESTEEM

Low self-esteem is like driving through life
with your hand-break on.
– Maxwell Maltz

– Written by Colle Davis, CEO, Executive Mentoring and Coaching, Inc.

The bigger the risk, the bigger the rewards. Taking big risks that fall short of your target will still give you experience that you can use later. You will always achieve an outcome; it just may not be the one you wanted.

Whenever you take a BIG risk there are several possible outcomes you can expect. The most desirable outcome is also the one that got you into the situation in the first place.

BIG REWARDS. This process is sometimes called the ‘cocaine-brain effect.’ You get high in the process (behavior that involves risk) and you get even higher when you score, achieving your desired outcome. See the connection? No wonder success is so addicting.

A second outcome is that you don’t quite, but almost, get the outcome you wanted. The feeling is incomplete and a bit hollow. The reward was not up to your expectations. However, you learned about how the process works. My wife and I laugh that we often learn a new skill so we can use it once in a specific situation and never use it again. There it sits, in our heads, waiting for the next big opportunity, which rarely appears.

The third outcome is a total or near total failure. “Crap, that didn’t work. Ugh.” What can you learn from the experience? Only one thing, that in this instance, the outcome didn’t happen the way you wanted. THAT’S ALL YOU LEARNED. Again, you learned that in this situation, what you did, failed to get you your outcome. That’s all. You are not a failure. The process failed to achieve your outcome, you did not fail. You’re still alive and you have another chance to find ways that actually will work to achieve that desired outcome. 

For those of you who have ever been involved in a sport, you are aware that your body and mind need some training for you to become competent at the game. Practice and discipline are both required to ‘master’ the sport so you can actually compete.

• Did you ever fail in the practice sessions? “Yes. Many times.”
• Do you get better? “Yes. Much better.”
• Did you take it personally? “Well, sometimes.”
• Do you get better faster if you took the failures personally? “NO.” You sulked, got mad maybe even quit. No risk, no rewards.
  You can use this same structure now in the Game of Life.

You have to take some risks to get ahead and be a raging success. What level of risk are you willing to risk? 

How can you learn to become more effective at judging which risks have a better chance of succeeding? Practice. Begin by taking small risks to get used to the scary feeling of risk taking. Take a different route to work. Wear your watch on the other wrist for a week. Start shaving from the other side of your body. Say ‘hello’ to a stranger. Return a phone call or email to someone who is irritated with you. Practice.

Stop taking this whole risk thing personally. It’s just the business of success. You can win and be rewarded, BUT you have to play the game. If you accept your own limitations, your growth will stop. By doing small, slightly uncomfortable behaviors, you will learn to understand that the feelings of fear and anticipation are VERY close to the same feeling. Only by practicing the behaviors will you be able to recognize their differences.

I never ask anyone to change anything. People who work with me are so relieved to hear this, because the one thing people fear and dislike above everything else is change. What I ask them to do is to continue to do what they are currently doing, slightly differently to see how it impacts their expected outcomes. Oddly enough, everyone I have ever dealt with is willing continue to do what they have been doing, SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY and notice the ‘changes’ in their outcomes. They are not being silly, and the request is not a semantics play, they can hear what I’m saying and it does not appear to be RISKY to them. Same-oh-same-oh is so easy, no problem, I can do that.

Here’s the best part: They begin to immediately see that the different results they are getting are different and they adjust their behavior slightly a little more and pretty soon they have moved away from their old behaviors and are enjoying much greater success with no, I repeat, NO scary risk taking on their part.

You say, “Colle, it can’t be that easy.”

Okay, make whatever you’re doing hard, do IT whatever way you want, as long as you DO SOME BEHAVIOR, DIFFERENTLY. Any behavior done differently will condition you to taking those risks with little or no scariness, maybe all you’re feeling is only some exciting anticipation.

By doing anything differently than you are currently doing it, you will achieve different results. Guaranteed.

If you want some more suggestions on how to reap bigger rewards, contact me. Or if you really want to increase the size of your rewards quickly, hire me. 

-Colle Davis, email or 858-750-2176

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OVERHEARD VERBATIM
“Succeeding in adversity makes success all the sweeter.
At the end of the day, it’s not how far you fall but how high you bounce.”
- Submitted by Gunther Hoock
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SUCCESS
There is no point at which you can say,
“Well, I’m successful now. I might as well take a nap.”
– Carrie Fisher

– Written by Colle Davis, CEO, Executive Mentoring and Coaching, Inc.

How is it possible that so many people worship a person like the mythical Robin Hood? He was by definition a terrorist and a thief and if legend is to be believed, not particularly good with people. His exploits were carried out against the moneyed people of his time and his idea of giving to the poor was to have a party for his band of thieves and maybe spend some money locally for party supplies. How can anyone possibly hold him up as a role model? Well, that is exactly what many people in our society do, worship what Robin Hood represents. Robbing from the ‘rich’ and giving to the ‘poor’.

This attitude has become so ingrained in our society that another group of ‘caring people’ have taken on the role of Robin Hood in today’s world. They call themselves collectively, THE GOVERNMENT. They take wealth, read “your money”, from those who add value to our economy and make money and, this point is very important here, are not part of a protected class, and then they give that stolen money to those they deem worthy, or to those who have a designated need. Taking wealth from those smart and hard working people who work hard to make their money, and then giving it to those less fortunate, or to some constituent group who is whining about not getting their fair share of the American Dream, is the job these Robin Hood people are hired to accomplish, in your name; you voted for them.

These elected officials who produce no wealth or value in their day-to-day jobs are the modern- day descendants of Robin Hood and his merry band of robbers. They have perfected their art of stealing money, to an incredibly efficient and effective level. They have enlisted the industries that they are delegated to regulate and now they are in the process of taking the very last money from anyone silly or unprepared enough to not protect themselves from the theft.

What is your answer to this question? “How long will the producers and value builders continue to support this robbery system? Well?” Somewhere in the process the really smart people who are being robbed will find ways to reduce the impact of the deeply dishonest and disingenuous Robin Hoods. Many of them have already started perfecting ways to keep the government out of their pockets and away from their businesses.

The ‘why’ for these people has already been answered. They want to keep more of the money they earned for themselves. It’s the “how” that gets very tricky because both sides are aware they are playing a deadly serious game and there will be no clear cut winner for a while, only skirmishes that are won or lost. Both sides know that eventually the robbery has to be stopped or there will be no one left to rob. Then who pays the government and all of its support system? Tough question. Scary answer.

The really tough part to accept today, is that the majority of the electorate (the people who vote) want to continue the game because they are net beneficiaries of the Robin Hood system. Take a little from everyone else and give me as much as I can demand and get. The motto of the underclass that is always in the majority: “Pay me to shut up.”  That’s exactly and specifically what they tell the politicians that they elect.”

Whether they are Social Security retirees, union members, trade associations, farmers, corporations, charities or anyone else who currently benefits from the Robin Hood system, they want to keep this system in place. Everyone wants it except the ones who work hard and have to pay and pay and pay and pay. This solid and shrinking block of citizens is finally reaching the point of saying, or at least thinking, “Wait a minute, what’s in this for me? If I’m working hard and making a profit for my work, and following the rules, where’s my cut?”

Even the individual states are telling Uncle Sam, “Hey, wait a minute. We are sending more money to Washington than we receive back in benefits. We want OUR FAIR SHARE or at least what we put into the system less a little administrative cost.”

News flash: No one ever receives back what they put in to the government unless someone else gets shortchanged, read ‘robbed’. It’s a chump’s game. If we scream and yell enough and get our pet projects done in our state then the rest of you get leftovers. Too bad.

For small business owner especially, the system has finally broken down and everyone knows it. The banks will not lend money, the local government authorities (especially here in California) continue to devise ways to slow down or even stop you from doing business. The Feds at all levels use lingo like ‘helping small business’ and then find ways to slow down or stop expansion or even allowing companies to stay in business. The migration to less draconian jurisdiction has been growing for the last two decades and will continue to expand as businesses become even more global and less dependent on the false largess of government.

Whose going to win the next several skirmishes? The Robin Hoods will, there is no question about that. The really interesting question beginning to be asked is, “Who is going to continue to support the chump’s game itself?” Those who do not produce anything are becoming a bit unsettled with the push back that is growing, ask Nancy Pelosi or the Govenator or even the President. They know the system is broken and their answer has been to take even more from the increasingly unwilling producers of money and value.

What happens when the producers, these who actually make things to sell and make money, finally say, “STOP. I’ve had enough, I quit.”  You may say, “That can’t happen.” Are you willing to bet your life on it? You had better bet very big on this one, because that is going to happen very soon. Watch the elections this year and then place your bet. Watch the European Union dissolve back into individual countries with their own currency because they have no desire to be taxed into bankruptcy or out of business by a dysfunctional and greedy central government. Eventually even politicians will get the message. Maybe.

Meantime, find ways to protect yourself, your family and your company. Call me for some custom tailored answers to your specific situation. Keep reading My Coach’s Notes, they’ll help too.
 -Colle Davis, email or 858-750-2176                                                                                                                       
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MISTAKES
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can’t live long enough
to make them all yourself.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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THOUGHT
The mind has exactly the same power as the hands;
not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.
– Colin Wilson

- Written by Colle Davis, CEO, Executive Mentoring and Coaching, Inc.

There’s a popular urban legend that most people believe, that is absolutely NOT true.

I’m sure you’ve heard it too, and probably helped to spread it around yourself. You may even follow the legend as if it is Divine Law. This ‘legend’ has no basis in science or facts at all, and until recently, it was not challenged because it sounded so believable. You can look up this debunked "fact" for yourself and discover there is no truth to it at all.

            The legend states: Humans need to drink 8 glasses of water a day to be healthy.

Phyllis and I used to belong to a local health club and we did our best to work out at three or four days a week. Every fifteen minutes the loudspeaker would announce that when we (those working out) raise our metabolism for fifteen minutes; we need to drink some water. PPPPfffffff How absurd. When was the last time you heard of a horse or lion stopping during times of effort to drink water! [Here is an odd guideline, if your urine has no color you’re drinking too much water and that really IS unhealthy. (You see, My Coach’s Notes is a plethora of valuable, and occasionally, not so valuable information.)

According to a well-respected professor emeritus of physiology at Dartmouth Medical School, there is no reason for healthy and relatively sedentary adults to follow the popular myth of “8 x 8” which indicates 8, 8-ounch glasses per water per day. Although he does stress that those with special circumstances may need to follow 8 x 8 in such cases as those with some diseases (kidney stones) or for those in hot climates or after serious exercise. CLICK HERE for more information.

I tell you that, to tell you this: Some of your closely-held beliefs are be flawed and THAT is what’s holding you back. What you believed as a child (“there is a Tooth Fairy”), you later understood the concept of fairy tales that might even be considered outright lies. What you believed as a teenager (for the most part) later proved to be unreliable, false or just plain silly. What makes you think that your current belief system is any more reliable?

Quickly, tell me now: What is one piece of your belief system that you know is false yet still believe?

You already know some of your belief systems are faulty, and yet you persist in spouting them as gospel and forcing yourself and others to abide by them. For example, do you really believe some people are luckier than others? Or, that if you work hard enough, you’re guaranteed success?  

This next suggestion will take some practice because it is not ‘natural’ or ‘reasonable’ in the usual sense of the word. Starting right now, today, challenge every belief or ‘fact’ that comes up. Actually, if you have children, you’ve had some experience doing this. Be prepared to be embarrassed, angry, frustrated and giddy with yourself, though not in any particular order. Doing this exercise will create chaos in your life and you’ll experience disruption in your deepest held and most sacred beliefs. If this is too much for you and you want to stay stuck in your beliefs, please stop reading now.

You may be thinking, “Gee, Coach Colle, what do I replace those debunked beliefs with when I do get rid of them?”

Brace yourself for this answer. Nothing. Practice being aware and living in the moment and be guided by the basic goodness of who you are as a person, not as a slave or a sycophant to someone else’s rigid laws and rules. Be ardently vigilant about knowing what you want for an outcome and that awareness will guide your actions. Be ready to make quicker decisions, or slower decisions, and sometimes avoid taking any action at all because it’s in your best interest to pass on action, at that time. Learn the skill of flexibility. Abandon rigidity. And, please, keep your sense of humor.

Two revelations become evident very quickly: 1) you’ll be astounded at the magnitude of your own habitual thought patterns that ruminate and keep you feeling foggy and unfocused, 2) you’ll realize the enormous amount of energy that you’re expending to defend your silly positions. Be patient with yourself because this is new territory and it requires some getting used to and some practice to become unconsciously competent (as opposed to becoming consciously competent – - which is another Coach’s Notes for yet another day).

Your belief in anything, is the same as your belief in the ‘water legend,’ not based in facts or the truth. Remember they’re called BELIEFS, and they are not reality. Can you live your life without a rigid set of belief systems to guide you? Yes. Be kind, considerate, caring, curious, happy, and willing to do nothing to get others to do your bidding. Find ways to be inclusive, stay flexible, question everything, and be willing to walk away from conflict.

Does this sound like a belief system? It’s not. They’re a way of life which gives you a richer, fuller and far more delicious journey through each day without distorting your life or the lives of others. They also allow you to stay in the present, the only place you can exist.

For some help on this or other challenges give me a call. 800-952-6224. (Southern California)
-Colle Davis, email or 858-750-2176
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THERE COMES A TIME

“There comes a time when we can no longer avoid the difficult questions that must be asked in life.

The more difficult the question is the deeper we must peer into our own often elusive and frightening nature.

The more we question the greater the light is that disturbs and irritates our minds dear complacency.

The more we question the more our ideas about the world in which we live as well as the role we choose to play in co-creating it, dissolves into the vastness of an ineffable truth.

Let us be fearless together in our observations and discovery of what it means to be human beings. May we even be brave enough to ask the impossible questions.”
-J. Krishnamurti
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EXACTLY HOW IT MUST BE
“When you see that wanting things to change is futile, everything changes, because everything suddenly becomes exactly how it must be. The reality isn’t unsatisfying in itself, it’s your wish for it to be different which makes it unsatisfying.”
– Anonymous

- Written by Colle Davis, CEO, Executive Mentoring and Coaching, Inc.

A little over a year ago I wrote an article on the subject of: All Distractions are Equal which caused a nice stir among my readers. All of the information in that issue is still valid and now I’m going to give you a way to focus through those distractions to achieve your goals on a regular basis. The most important part of this exercise is to make VERY SURE that you know exactly what you want for an outcome in every situation BEFORE YOU GET INTO IT. I have taped to the top right front corner of my monitor a note which reads: “What do I want for an outcome in this situation? Will what I’m doing NOW help me reach that outcome?” to remind me NEVER to get into any situation where I am less than absolutely sure of what I want for an outcome.

Do you remember seeing a movie where the two main characters look across a room or field and the only thing they can see is each other? Many directors de-focus everything else so much that its hard to tell that there is anything else going on at all except the lovers looking at each other. If you’ve ever been involved in an activity or a sport that requires your absolute concentration then you have been in that ZONE and the rest of the world disappears. With these references in place now you know what true focus is really all about. You personally have experience with focusing past the distractions. Now, you are going to use this same ability to run your life.

1. You have to know exactly what you want for an outcome and it has to be measurable and quantifiable so that you can prove to yourself that you can experience it.
2. It must be ecologically sound, that means that it is in the best interest of those involved, actually mostly in your best interest.
3. Make absolutely sure that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to achieve the outcome, if not, don’t waste your time or anyone else’s time working on it.

Oh yes, there is one other caveat. You will have to settle for sequential balance in your life. You can have the perfect job, the perfect family, the perfect community AND you will always have to experience them one at a time. The people with perfectly balanced lives have no money, no ambition, no friends and no hope, think of hippies, monks, and really poor people. You can play golf and sail in the same day, but not at the same time. Sequential balance produces results.

Right now, today, make the decision to achieve one of your goals/outcomes regardless of the risks to you, your reputation, your company, or your family this month. Talk about being scary, that got your attention didn’t it? When you’re ready to do exactly that, you will be able to focus right through any distraction because you have made your outcome so important that NOTHING will deter you from achieving it. I heard an interview with the world reigning motorcycle champion and he said that stating anything less than “I will be on the top of the podium after this race.” is self-defeating. He may crash on the way (he seldom crashes), but he will have given the race everything he had to win. You can do no less in order to win in this life.

This issue of My Coach’s Notes is short, sweet and scary because it is entirely up to you to live the life you want. If you would like some help, a nudge or some shortcuts, give me a call.
-Colle Davis, email or 858-750-2176
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LIFE
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
― Helen Keller
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LIMITS
If you push your limits far enough, you’ll find you don’t have any.
- Submitted by Kate Romero-Hibbard, President/CEO, Guardian Angel Enterprises, Inc.